Some tips on kindness during the holidays

This Thursday is officially the start of the holiday season. With that in mind, I came across this post over at Belief Works which addresses how to kindly deal with diifficult people during the holidays. There are some really awesome ideas for dealing with folks, but to them I would add first and foremost, remember to love.

Dealing with Difficult People During the Holidays

With the holidays coming up, there is the added stress of crowded shopping malls, traffic jams, holiday parties, getting just the right gift and the obligation to show up at family get-togethers. Chances are you are going to run into someone who pushes your buttons. You know, one of those difficult people.

Many times the struggles we have with other people are simply a matter of who is right and who is wrong. Oftentimes isn’t right and wrong simply a matter of perception? Perhaps the conflict is not always about them but about the way we react. Very often it is our own interpretation that defines them as difficult. Think about it. The most difficult person in your life is frequently someone else’s confidant, lover, or friend. It might even be that sometimes the most difficult person in your life is YOUR confidant, lover, or friend.

Each of us has a slightly different take on reality. If there are twelve jurors listening to the same arguments, hearing the same evidence they often have a hard time reaching a verdict because they rarely perceive what goes on in exactly the same way. Keep that in mind when dealing with your brand of difficult person.

Difficult people abound, sometimes only for you….. and yes I’ll admit…sometimes they are perceived as difficult by everyone around them. The way they act is off-base. You’re right, they ARE difficult – but is that helping you? How can you deal with those difficult, challenging people in a way that resolves the problem and feels good rather than churns up your emotions?

Here are ten useful tips you can use this holiday season (and beyond) to help you meet the challenge of dealing with the difficult people in your life.

Give Up The Need To Be Right. What you perceive maybe accurate, but protracted battles and arguments that go nowhere and waste energy are all about being right. Agree to disagree with respect. Take action that supports what you want to accomplish. If you need to establish boundaries do so but give up your need to be right. Why? Because it feels good.

Don’t Assume Anything. Whether you have know someone for a long time or you just met, you really don’t know exactly what motivates them or precisely how they bend their reality moment to moment. Give up assuming why they did or said something. Ask questions and don’t assume ANYTHING.

Let Go of your Expectations. Having expectations about who should do what and how it should be done is a recipe for crisis. Let go of your expectation that one specific outcome is the only way you will be satisfied. If you hold on to the belief….Every thing will be okay when they______ you may wait an awful long time for when. An expectation is your assumption about what is SUPPOSED to happen. We gave up assumptions in tip number 2, remember?

It’s not Personal. Everyone lives in a unique virtual reality created by his or her beliefs, experiences and agreements. You are only a minor character in their movie. How they respond to you or react to you is NOT about you. No matter what anyone says or does, remember - it’s not personal.

Ask for What You Want. Ask for what you want rather than telling that difficult person what they are not doing right. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. When you accuse, defend or criticize you sound like the victim. Remember, a victim has no power.

Listen Effectively. Do you ever formulate what you are going to say next while the other person is still talking? Are youreally paying attention to what is being said or half listening and filling in the blanks? Do you frequently interrupt before they finish speaking? In order to avoid conflict, listen and acknowledge what the other person is saying (say: I hear you). If they recognize they are heard it can go along way in diffusing a conflict.

Be Detached. Let’s say someone is difficult. No doubt about it, everyone agrees. That perception may be accurate but now what? If you have done all the right things and nothing changes be prepared to walk away. All communication is by agreement. You choose to engage. Rather than argue or defend, if you don’t agree MOVE ON and focus your attention elsewhere. Do this, not because you’re right, but because it feels right.

Respect Their Story. Like you they have a story too - a unique perception of how everything is. It’s their story. And they have a right to it and deserve your respect even if you totally disagree. Respect their story and don’t try to change it. Enjoy them just as they are. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

Put On Their Shoes. By not making assumptions, not adhering to expectation, asking questions, and listing effectively you can start to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. Each response they have is really about what they believe. The literal meaning of what they say might not be that important, what’s more interesting is the driving belief behind the response. Once you see that the conflict will begin to evaporate.

Give Up the Need to Be Right (again). Being right creates no solution and wastes energy. Is it possible sometimes you are the one being difficult? This tip is so powerful it bears repeating. To diffuse the conflict, give up your need to be right. Why? Because it feels oh so good!